How to: 8 Steps for Dating a Partner of a Different Religion

1. Accept that it isn’t easy

Falling in love isn’t all that hard, but keeping an interfaith relationship going in a serious, committed way is quite difficult. Once the process reaches the stage of marriage — meaning bringing together two families from different backgrounds — the difficulty and complexity only keep growing. It’s better to accept from the start that it won’t be easy than to assume it’s simple and run into problems later. Preparation is what matters most, and that’s the first step.

2. Stop believing people on the internet

Interfaith couples often try to learn about their partner’s religion from the internet. What you should do is stop that immediately.  Why? Because our world doesn’t have just one type of person, one single mold. If you’re Buddhist, think about how many different strands of belief exist under the Buddhist umbrella in this world — Dhammakaya, Buddhadasa, Zen, Chinese Buddhism, Burmese Buddhism, even more secular/atheistic interpretations, and so many more. And within each group, individual people still differ in the details — some beliefs shared, some not, endless variety. The same is true of Muslim, Christian, and atheist communities. In practice, it’s simply impossible to truly get to know one single person just by browsing the internet or watching movies. If you search online about Muslims, you might see a well-behaved Muslim kid who’s diligently studying turn, in your mind, into someone obsessed with women or bombs. Come on — the real world is full of diversity. Give people who are different from you a chance. Close the internet — that’s the first step toward really getting to know each other.

3. Learn from your partner, and the community around them
The best way to learn about “a person” is to learn from that person directly — from what they believe, what they think, what they say, what they do. Learn about your partner from who they really are, not from the internet or from someone else’s relationship. Whatever you’re unsure about, whatever feels like it might become a problem down the road, talk about it openly with them. Let them explain it from their own point of view — how they actually think about these things. Learning from them, and from the friends and family around them, gives you a truer picture of your partner as they really are, and more insight into what you may face in the future — which could turn out well or not so well. Every couple is different, but this is important information that will help you know how to move forward.

4. Understand each other’s limits

One thing that leads couples, families, and communities into a dead end when facing differences is failing to understand each other’s limits, and instead trying to force our own partner into our own mold. “Understanding each other’s limits” is a tool that can break down every wall in the world, and it will make you realize that this world doesn’t have just one framework of belief or one way of life. The daily routines, practices, prohibitions, cautions, and priorities of each culture and religion differ. Some things that don’t matter to us matter a great deal to our partner. Understanding the other person’s limits, and staying open to the fact that this world holds more than one culture or belief, will help you break down walls and dead ends.

5. Enjoy the process of adjusting to each other

Once you’ve learned about your partner and picked up the tool of understanding each other’s limits, if you’ve made it through those two steps, that’s a sign you have a real chance of making it work. Now it’s time to adjust to one another. Whatever is a limit for the other person — something that makes us comfortable but makes them uncomfortable — just don’t do it. Care about each other’s feelings in every matter. Set aside talk of “rights” or “freedom” for now; we’re not declaring independence here. Being a couple means sharing both hardship and joy together. Adjusting to each other is proof that we won’t be happy alone while the other person is suffering.  That’s what a genuine relationship between two people who love each other really looks like — find the point where you’re both happy, not one person suffering alone.

6. Respect each other, and don’t expect everyone to love you
Mutual respect matters. Always respect your partner in every matter, and respect your partner’s family as well. Approach their elders, listen to their concerns, listen to their feelings, and love them the way you love your partner.
But don’t expect everyone to love you back right away. Come on — affection and warmth don’t happen in a day or two, or a month or two. Many couples have to prove themselves over time, even couples of the same religion. There’s no need to rush to be loved by everyone. Just know how to respect their elders, know how to approach them, don’t take things personally, and don’t expect that you’ll automatically be adored or treated well in return.  Simply showing that you love them and wish them well is enough. That’s all it takes.

7. When you hit a dead end, ask yourself why

If you’ve done everything suggested above and still hit a dead end, you need to ask yourself two important questions about why you’ve reached that point. First: is the dead end caused by other people around you, or is it caused by you and your partner yourselves? If the dead end comes from other people, I’d like you to consider carefully whether you’d really end your love because of the people around you. There’s no need to rush — don’t forget that although marriage involves a complex social structure of people around you, love, in the end, is really just about the two of you. If the two of you are still ready to share both hardship and joy together, you shouldn’t let other people be the ones creating that dead end for you. But if the dead end comes from an incompatibility between you and your partner yourselves, that’s a different matter you’ll need to weigh carefully.

8. Remember that the choice is yours
Whatever happens, always remember — every choice is yours to make. In many cases, love isn’t a matter of right or wrong. Set right and wrong aside, and ask yourself instead: is this the person you want to share both hardship and joy with, for good? If the answer is yes, then all you need to do is keep going. The ending of a relationship, socially speaking, can take many forms — there’s the happy ending, the dramatic ending, or the disastrous ending — all of these are just as possible as with any other couple. But that’s just the “social” side of things. If you truly love each other, no matter how the social side ends, your love — which really belongs to just the two of you — will always be its own kind of romantic story. Before I close here — if the two of you have reached the point of deciding to marry, and you’d like someone to help make an interfaith wedding go as smoothly as it should, feel free to get in touch. We’d be glad to help — see you at your next available slot.


C.BungJoke
Thai muslim Cross religion marriage Wedding specialist
Ara-ya

Planning a legally-recognized Nikah in Thailand? Start here →